this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
