I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just forgot I was standing up.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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