Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
