i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Sext me about skeletons
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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