Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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