You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
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Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
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The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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