alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
