he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
