I can't breathe out the right side of my face
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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