Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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