In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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