Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
