have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
