He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
