Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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