fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
