You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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