What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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