i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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