Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
