I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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