I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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