Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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