I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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