just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
