i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
