i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
