Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Randomize
