Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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