I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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