as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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