just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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