when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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