Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
third nipple confirmed
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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