I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
