Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
