yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
