I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
