i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
And then my night got REAL pukey
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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