So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Randomize
