I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
