Can i not drive my cunt home
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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