Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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