Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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