I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
