Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
