This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
