dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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