and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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