I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
