I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
