We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
