I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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